


the sweater you forgot at my house

by infptwriter



Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25749145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infptwriter/pseuds/infptwriter
Summary: Akaashi grows attached to Bokuto’s forgotten blue sweater at his house. He keeps it as a reminder of everything he has let go so easily, of the person he allowed to leave so he could grow and fly high.But it doesn’t matter if ten years pass by, he does not let it go. Just like he doesn’t let go of his love for Bokuto.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, background Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857223
Comments: 10
Kudos: 213





	the sweater you forgot at my house

Akaashi had never been the type of person to grow attached to objects.

Even as a kid, Akaashi never really understood the idea of why he would collect things in his house; all his friends were collecting stickers, games, and even bugs, but Akaashi always wondered why he would do that when they were merely items; merely things whose significance Akaashi could also carry in his memory, in his heart. 

So, unlike many other kids, Akaashi never had a collection of anything, even after he joined the volleyball club and won a few medals here and there – he never really liked keeping them, but his mother insisted that they should be put on the wall as a memory of things Akaashi had achieved.  _ I have my memory for that,  _ he would think, mouth shut and eyes unreadable.

When he got into high school, he realized that the reason why he never collected anything was because he never found something special enough to make him want to keep it. Bugs, prizes, stickers – all these things felt irrelevant in Akaashi’s life because he had no strong emotion attached to them. It felt useless to collect something he didn’t cherish. 

But it takes Bokuto Koutarou’s presence in his life for him to realize all of that.

Naturally, it doesn’t happen overnight or during a random moment that Akaashi shares with Bokuto; it’s quite the opposite. Slowly, Akaashi starts realizing that he wants to remember his moments with Bokuto forever, somewhere he could always reach, available for him anytime. 

With the passing days of his first year at Fukurodani, he realizes that memories would never be enough – and by the time his second year starts, he realizes he can’t remember the exact words he said to Bokuto the first time Akaashi tossed to him. It wasn’t praise, but rather a suggestion from Bokuto, one that Akaashi managed to meet successfully, but now it feels lost inside his head. For the first time in his sixteen years of existence, Akaashi realizes dreadfully that memory isn’t as reliable as he thought and that he wants to remember every single detail of something he can’t collect, because they’re abstract, they’re not real objects.

It’s during Akaashi’s second year, Bokuto’s final year at Fukurodani, that Akaashi decides to somehow collect those memories. It’s a stupid attempt, he thinks to himself, but he knew he would regret not trying to do something about it. Bokuto’s presence has become something that Akaashi grew attached to; he thinks that maybe it has to do with his growing feelings for the other boy, a crush that started so quietly and yet fully bloomed in the span of just a few months. It makes him wonder if he’ll suffer in the future like his friends had when they lost the things they collected.

Bokuto is close to graduating, and they’ll soon part ways, even if they continue as friends. The shared moments will become scarce, and Akaashi is terrified of the idea of what this will do to him. After all, he has never truly experienced the feeling of missing something he has lost, something he can never have back.

So he tries photography. At first, he feels ridiculous. He knows he can’t take selfies with Bokuto because he hates them, so he tries a different approach (one that embarrasses him, but he goes through it anyway): he asks Bokuto to be in pictures of the various landscapes they visit, be it a park, a museum, or even at each other’s houses. He starts taking pictures of Bokuto and random places all the time.

“Why do you want me to be in your pictures, Akaashi?”

“Practice, I suppose,” he murmurs, and it’s not a complete lie, but it’s an avoidance of the truth. “Photography is interesting, and I like registering random moments.”

“Eh,” Bokuto laughs, then blinding Akaashi with a big smile. “Well, if you like doing it, I’ll support you one hundred percent, Akaashi!”

It’s hard for Akaashi not to blush with his friend’s support, with his smile. “Thank you.”

So, with each passing day and each passing moment, Akaashi carries his camera with him everywhere. It had been a present from his grandparents when he had turned fourteen, but Akaashi hadn’t cared much for it back then. It’s true that he likes landscapes, and his grandparents thought that it meant he would be interested in photography, but the only reason why he actually got into it was because of Bokuto. 

_ Who cares about registering landscapes when I can register moments with him,  _ he thinks to himself while snapping another picture of Bokuto sitting on Akaashi’s bed, reading a textbook in concentration. His final exams are coming up soon, and Akaashi has been helping him study somehow, be it with interpretation or with just focusing. These mundane moments, ones that are shared only between Akaashi and Bokuto, are Akaashi’s favorites because they’re something only both of them get to share. No one has access to this, no one will remember this – they’re the only ones who are living it, and it’s something that belongs to only  _ them _ . 

Somehow, it’s romantic to think like this, but it’s also quite lonely; Akaashi wonders who will reminisce about this with him once Bokuto leaves his life, something he considers to be inevitable by now. 

With Bokuto leaving for college and pursuing his dream of being a professional volleyball player, Akaashi wonders where he stands within those plans. He knows it’s selfish to think that he  _ has _ to be included, but then perhaps Bokuto has spoiled him enough that now he wants to be part of every single detail of his life. 

“Akaashi!” Bokuto exclaims, breaking Akaashi out of his thoughts, “Were you taking a picture of me?”

“Yes, sorry,” he half-apologizes, not feeling sorry at all. Bokuto looks adorable with his blue sweater, hair down from being freshly out of the shower less than an hour ago, as he had come from his own house. “I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked deep in thought.”

“Chemistry is hard, Akaashi,” Bokuto complains, sighing dramatically, “I just don’t get it!”

“Why don’t you ask for Kuroo-san’s help, then?” 

“Nah, he’s spending a lot of time with Kenma these days, I don’t want to disturb them,” he replies with a soft smile. Akaashi swallows dry at the sight and at the way Bokuto says his sentence. It makes him wonder even more about the relationship between Kuroo and Kenma – he knows it’s not just a friendship, that there are romantic feelings involved, but Akaashi has never pried nor asked. It’s something between them and, besides, he doesn’t think he’s close enough to even ask. 

“That’s very kind and considerate of you, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi tells him, looking at the pictures he took. As he had suspected, Bokuto looks adorable in each and every one of them. It makes Akaashi’s heart skip a beat and clench with love for this boy, missing already the feeling of living this daily like they do now. “But you should also remember that Kuroo-san is your friend, and he wouldn’t mind helping you out with chemistry if necessary.”

Bokuto smiles at him. “I know, but I think I’d rather spend time with you instead.”

Akaashi immediately blushes. “I don’t know enough chemistry to help you, Bokuto-san. I’m still a second year.”

“I know,” Bokuto says, shrugging, “but your company helps. Besides, you read the sentences and make them make sense in my head all the time. You don’t need to know the subject, you just gotta be  _ smart _ like you are, Akaashi!”

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi starts, his cheeks heating even more under Bokuto’s confident gaze. 

“Don’t fight me, Akaashi!” Bokuto laughs, then shoots him with another brilliant smile. “You know I won’t give in ever!”

Akaashi’s heart clenches again.  _ This _ is the type of moment that he knows he wants to remember for the rest of his life. Bokuto telling him kind things, them being alone, a soft moment being shared just between them; Akaashi doesn’t want to leave this place, or to ever forget it. He wishes he had a camera inside his head so he could record this and relive it all over again whenever he misses Bokuto in the future. 

But he doesn’t, so he decides to smile softly at him and, quite quickly, pull up his camera and snap a picture of Bokuto smiling. It catches the older boy off guard and soon he’s looking at Akaashi with an indignant face. Akaashi immediately starts laughing quietly, warmth spreading through his entire body.

“Akaashi!” Bokuto whines, “Did you take another picture of me?”

“I did,” Akaashi says, a soft smile playing on his lips. Bokuto ends up smiling back – something that Akaashi wishes he could register all the time as well, how Bokuto always smiles when Akaashi does. “You looked very happy, Bokuto-san. I couldn’t help myself.

“Well,” he hums and looks back at his textbook, ears red. “I am very happy being here right now.”

Akaashi nods, ears burning as well, and he looks back at his camera. “I’m very happy, too.”

Neither of them say another word about it, but their hearts beat strongly inside their chests.

.

That day is carved inside Akaashi’s mind forever, and it becomes one of the most precious memories of his life.

It’s the last study session they end up having together because, after that, Bokuto’s mother hires a tutor to help him with his preparatory classes for college. They keep seeing each other as much as possible, but between club activities, Bokuto’s studies, and their own private lives, their meetings become more and more spaced in between. The thing is that Bokuto had forgotten his blue sweater at Akaashi’s place that fateful day, and although Akaashi means to return it every time they see each other, he never does. 

Bokuto’s sweater carries his smell and presence even though days, weeks, and months pass by.

Graduation comes and goes, Bokuto starts college, and they inevitably go their separate ways. Akaashi becomes captain of the volleyball club (something he didn’t really want to do in the beginning, but Bokuto convinced him in his own persuasive way), starts his last year of high school, and changes his routine. 

Losing touch with Bokuto is something that happens gradually. At first, Bokuto sometimes comes to watch the team practice and occasionally even join them – the coach is happy to allow that and Akaashi obviously doesn’t mind his presence. Afterwards, he and Bokuto go out and eat something. Bokuto shares stories he has from college and Akaashi tells him things about the first years and his boring classes. For the first three months of the new school year, there aren’t a lot of big changes, and Akaashi almost allows himself to believe that things could somehow stay the same.

It’s wishful thinking. 

As soon as Bokuto starts having tests, he stops showing up in order to study. He texts Akaashi though, just as frequently as he had been during the last months, and Akaashi is thankful for it. It’s the last thread between them, what holds them together and the memory of their friendship alive. 

While he’s absent, Akaashi prints all of the pictures he has of Bokuto and tells his mom that he’s going to build a portfolio to enter the photography course in college. It isn’t a lie, but it’s also not also the whole truth. He knows that his passion in photography lies not only in taking pictures, but in catching memories and keeping them safe. He prints every single one of the pictures he took with Bokuto Koutarou, some for his private safe-keeping, and becomes proud of what he has created.

Somehow, it’s what keeps him sane through the moments he realizes that Bokuto is slipping from his fingers. 

Soon enough, after Bokuto’s tests are over, he rarely ever shows up in Akaashi’s life. His texts, although still there, become fewer and fewer until he texts only once or twice a day, if at all. 

Akaashi watches the entire thing unfold in front of him, and he realizes he has no power over it, no way of avoiding it. He knows that Bokuto’s destiny is bigger than being by Akaashi’s side, and although he feels selfish, he’s also a coward. He’s willing to let Bokuto go if it means watching him grow and fly as high as he can. 

So when Bokuto slowly disappears from his life, Akaashi doesn’t go after him. When he applies for college, he doesn’t apply for the same one as Bokuto. The day graduation comes, Bokuto doesn’t even show up.

The last picture Akaashi has of Bokuto is the day of his own graduation.

If Akaashi clings tight to Bokuto’s blue sweater years later, he never tells anyone. It’s what he has left of a love he nurtured for two whole years, a love he allowed to escape through his fingers because he felt unworthy of it, even if there was a chance of it being mutual at all. The blue sweater stays with him, being his rock whenever he needs one, his only comfort through the hardest days, the ones he misses Bokuto’s presence the most or life treats him unkindly.

All he has is his portfolio of Bokuto, the sweater, and his fading memories.

.

During rainy days, specifically the ones that Akaashi stays at home and doesn’t have work to worry about, Akaashi brings out the blue sweater, makes himself some tea, and goes through the old pictures he has from his high school days while sitting on the couch alone.

Even though it has been ten years, Akaashi cannot bring himself to let go. Lovers have come and gone, days have passed by, Akaashi graduated with his degree in photography, got himself a stable job until he decided to go solo as a photographer of events, and found himself a nice apartment to live in by himself. He has spent all those years avoiding any topic regarding volleyball, afraid he would end up finding the name of Bokuto Koutarou in the middle of it, afraid of what his reaction would be. He knows he’s weak enough to try and reach out in case he found him, and even after so many years, Akaashi still thinks he’s unworthy of Bokuto’s presence, of his attention. His love for him still burns inside his heart, a flame that never goes out, but he lets it be. It’s comforting now, a memory of the best days of his life, something he will cherish forever.

Memories, like he had suspected, start to fade. He can barely remember their first interaction by now, days long gone and forgotten in his head; it doesn’t help that he has no one to remember it with him. He cut off contact with the rest of Fukurodani as well as Nekoma and other schools. Becoming a loner had been a choice, one that he paid the price for since the beginning, but ultimately doesn’t regret in the long run. 

Akaashi has never been very sociable anyway, and not having close friends is an excuse he uses to work more and earn more, which helped him create a good name for himself as a photographer. If he ends up being nominated for a few prizes because of some pictures he takes during his free hours, it goes unmentioned. Akaashi doesn’t care for them since collecting prizes never interested him to begin with, and the only things he wishes to collect are out of reach now. 

His portfolio, Bokuto’s sweater, and his fading memories are still all he has left now.

While watching the rain and wearing the blue sweater, Akaashi sips his tea. The pictures lie on his coffee table, organized by date and with little notes of what happened on each of those days. It’s something Akaashi is happy he had decided to do when he put up this whole thing, because most of them feel distant and fading by now; having descriptions of what happened and why he took those pictures was a nice way of keeping the memory alive. He’s brought back to his younger days, feeling thankful that his sixteen-year-old self realized that taking pictures would make memories live longer.

It’s probably why he’s getting quite famous for photographing weddings. His pictures capture the feelings and the memory in a unique way, which attracts all kinds of clients from all over the country. People request him to travel a lot, and Akaashi takes all the chances he has; being away from Tokyo means fewer chances of meeting any of Fukurodani’s old members. Akaashi feels like a coward, but he doesn’t mind it anymore. Whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t hurt as much as he possibly could.

His phone goes off, making him snap out of his own thoughts. He looks at the message that appears from his assistant. Going solo is a lot of work, but it’s worth it all – Akaashi does his own hours, chooses his clients, and does things his own way. Although it’s stressful, he doesn’t regret it. 

Knowing it’s about a new job, he opens the message and reads it quickly, hoping to end this conversation soon so he can go back to drowning in his reminiscing in peace.

_ [19:09:55] _ _   
_ _ From: Furuya Aiko _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: New job _

_ A client has contacted me, wishing to hire you for next Sunday. I told them you don’t usually work on Sundays unless you schedule at least a month in advance, but they insisted and offered to pay three times the normal price. I said I’d contact you about it. _

Akaashi almost drops his phone when he reads the message.  _ Three _ times the normal prize? Immediately, he reaches for the dial button and calls his assistant. She answers on the second ring.

“Well, hello, Akaashi-san, I had the feeling you’d call me,” Furuya replies, voice smug and confident. She’s quite the personality; extremely professional and efficient, but also a tease who befriended Akaashi faster than he would even imagine. He had meant to hire someone who he could keep at an arm’s length, but Furuya doesn’t allow him to be that way. Although they have boundaries in their relationship, she’s still glued to Akaashi, not willing to let him be as alone as he hopes to. He refuses to acknowledge it, though. They have known each other even before Akaashi decided to go solo, but Furuya only chose to become Akaashi’s friend after he hired her. 

“Furuya, explain yourself, please.”

“Well, the client says they really like your work, and they desperately want you to take pictures of them for a pre-wedding album on Sunday. It’s not the wedding party, and they mentioned it’s a couple of months away. I said I’d talk to you and tell them until tomorrow, but Akaashi, three times the price? I think it’s worth it.”

Akaashi sighs, knowing Furuya is right. “I know,” he tells her., “Do you have any more details about what they want?”

He can almost see her smiling. “Well, I’m glad you asked.”

.

Sunday arrives and it’s a beautiful sunny day. 

Akaashi wonders how lucky the couple that requested him must be for the weather to be so nice and good for an outdoor photoshoot. He meets them at their private yard in a nice neighborhood that immediately makes Akaashi realize they must be really rich. The house is nice, old styled and, as much as it doesn’t look fancy, Akaashi knows it must be pricey; the location and the amount of rooms it seems to have -- plus a big beautiful yard -- all add to a very expensive price tag. 

Either way, Akaashi is not one to judge, and since they offered to pay three times the price, Akaashi is glad to be offered the opportunity. Maybe this will motivate him to take a vacation soon. Furuya has been pestering him to take one for almost as long as she’s known him, considering he has worked nonstop for the past two years to build a name for himself. Maybe she’s right, he has earned the right to rest his mind for once.

As soon as Akaashi rings the bell, things go incredibly wrong. Because the person who answers the door is the one and only Kozume Kenma.

“Akaashi,” Kenma greets him, opening the door wider as an invitation for him to walk in, “I’m glad you came.”

_ No, no, no. What’s going on?  _ he immediately thinks, panicking. But years of working with people has made him a pro at keeping an even face, so he doesn’t even bat an eye when he sees him there.

“Kozume-san,” he replies and suddenly feels the urge to smack himself in the head. Of course, when he saw the surname of  _ Kozume _ on the contract, he didn’t think of Kenma. He simply accepted the job and trusted that they’d be good clients – paying half of the cost up-front just to make sure that Akaashi would show up had been a sign they were probably decent people. But now those signs make him realize they were warnings of what was to come next, that his choice to be a loner would soon to be disturbed, thinking he should have realized those were signs that he could not have ignored. “This is a surprise.”

“I thought you knew?” he asks, a bit confused as Akaashi walks into the place, respectfully bowing before doing so. Kenma dismisses him just as fast, though. “Akaashi, we’ve known each other for over ten years.”

“I… might have not associated your surname with, well,  _ you _ . Also, we haven’t seen each other for more than half of those years.”

Kenma yawns, glancing at Akaashi before starting to walk. Akaashi follows him. “Anyway,” he continues, ignoring everything Akaashi has said, “Kuro is excited to see you. He was the one who found out you’re a  _ famous _ wedding photographer, actually.”

Akaashi hums as an answer, not knowing what to say. Quietly, they walk into the house and towards the backyard. He can hear some voices, and he’s brought back to the fact that he is actually there to do a photoshoot of a couple that is getting married. 

_ Kozume, huh _ , he thinks,  _ so, Kuroo and Kenma decided to tie the knot.  _ Kenma doesn’t say anything else until they arrive at the garden, and Akaashi is reminded that, even after so many years, Kenma hasn’t changed much. He can see that he’s a bit more open with his expressions, but he’s just as quiet as he had ever been. 

_ I wonder if  _ **_he_ ** _ has changed, too _ .

Akaashi immediately pushes away the thought of Bokuto that sneaked into his mind. But then, if Kuroo and Kenma are getting married, that means…

“Kenma! Oh, he’s here!”

Akaashi turns to find the source of the voice. Holding his bag tightly, he’s faced with Kuroo Tetsurou, someone he also hasn’t seen in years. Kuroo looks the same, albeit broader and more mature. Perhaps the years have done him good, just like the long hair has done justice to Kenma’s face.  _ They’ll make a beautiful couple to photograph _ , he thinks to himself, getting into work mode. As much as this is becoming a reunion, Akaashi is a professional, and he’s there to work.

“Kuroo-san,” he greets politely and bows slightly, which makes Kuroo bark out a laugh.

“You haven’t changed a bit, except for the glasses,” Kuroo says when Akaashi straightens up. He turns his head and shouts: “Bo! Come meet our photographer!”

Akaashi’s blood runs cold.

Kuroo turns around, looking for Bokuto, just to then shoot Akaashi an apologetic look and walking away, probably to find him. Akaashi thinks he must look nervous, panicking and scared, because Kenma soon stops in front of him and gives him a slightly worried look.

“You okay?” he asks quietly and Akaashi closes his eyes for a second, breathing in.

_ I’m a professional. I can do this. It’s just another client, another job. I’ve had worse, I can survive this. It’s okay, it’s totally okay. Calm down, Keiji. _

He opens his eyes. “I’m fine, Kozume-san. Is there any particular idea you have in your mind for the photoshoot?”

Kenma looks at him like he doesn’t believe him, but seems to let it go. He opens his mouth to speak, but they’re interrupted by Kuroo again, this time bringing someone Akaashi hasn’t seen in many, many years.

Time has definitely done  _ him _ justice, Akaashi realizes, and as soon as their eyes meet, his heart immediately races. Bokuto has the same face, hair and built up structure, but he looks more mature. His hair is slightly shorter, his face looks even more defined and his body shows years and years of working out and building physical strength. But his eyes are just as warm as they used to be so long ago, still bright and sweet. His smile, the one he gives Akaashi when he sees him, is still blinding, like the sun that warms Akaashi’s heart. 

_ I am professional _ , he tells himself again and then smiles politely at Kuroo and Bokuto.

“Akaashi!”

Even his voice makes Akaashi’s heart clench inside his chest. It’s been too long, hoping to hear his voice again. Worse, Akaashi realizes he couldn’t remember his voice very well, so hearing it again brings back all the memories that had become mute inside his head. It’s all nostalgic at once and Akaashi is glad he’s, in fact,  _ extremely _ professional, because he feels like breaking down right then and there. 

“Bokuto-san,” he greets, bowing slightly. Bokuto laughs, a sound Akaashi has also missed.  _ What haven’t I missed from him? _

“No need for this, ‘kaashi! We’re old pals here!”

Akaashi straightens himself, looking over at them. Bokuto stands next to Kuroo while the latter has his arm around Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma looks a bit bored, but relaxed into Kuroo’s touch.  _ They do make a nice couple _ , he thinks to himself and glances around for a second. 

He isn’t there to chat or reminisce about old days though. Akaashi is there to work, and he’s going to do so.

“Very well,” he starts, feeling slightly bad for ignoring Bokuto’s last comment. He doesn’t know how to reply, so he’ll dive straight into business. “Kozume-san, what exactly do you have in mind?”

He makes sure to keep looking at Kenma when he asks, ignoring the look that Bokuto and Kuroo exchange. Kenma also gives him a weird look, but Akaashi ignores that too.

“Well, Kuroo and I had this idea…”

Akaashi dives into work. He pretends that Bokuto is another client.

_ He’s just another client _ .

.

The garden is truly an amazing place. There are several flowers and beautiful plants that look rare enough in Akaashi’s eyes and a wonderful, quiet corner where Akaashi takes several pictures of Kuroo and Kenma. Bokuto appears in some of them, just as some other Nekoma members, and Akaashi makes sure he continues being professional the entire time. He doesn’t speak much to Bokuto, even though Bokuto tries to initiate conversation on more than one occasion, and he keeps herding people into pictures so no one speaks to him. He doesn’t care if he’s taking more pictures than necessary as long as he makes sure that people don’t pull him into conversations about the past – or that Bokuto manages to corner him somehow.

After three long, grueling hours, Akaashi deems himself to be finished and is quite satisfied with the results; he’s sure that he was able to capture Kenma’s and Kuroo’s love for each other very well. If he feels a tiny bit jealous, it’s a secret he won’t ever tell anyone. Kenma and Kuroo deserve all of the happiness in the world, and Akaashi is indeed happy for them. But he can’t help but feel like it could have been him in another universe that gets together with Bokuto during high school and marries before he hits his thirties. It’s wishful thinking, once again, and he feels stupid for even considering it. 

As soon as he’s finished, he starts packing his things.

“Stay for dinner,” Kuroo asks him when he notices Akaashi packing at such a fast pace. “We haven’t seen each other in a while and it would be nice to––”

“With all due respect, Kuroo-san,” Akaashi interrupts him, not even looking up from where he organizes his bag, “I have places to be now.”

He continues packing, missing Kuroo’s worried frown. But he doesn’t hear another word, simply hears Kuroo’s fading steps as he walks away.  _ It’s for the best, it’s what I have to do _ , he tells himself in his head. Just as he’s finishing his bag, he hears more footsteps approaching, and he’s sure Kuroo has come back, but then when he hears the voice and freezes.

“Akaashi, why won’t you stay for dinner?” Bokuto asks him. Akaashi doesn’t dare to move a muscle, eyes glued to his bag. Every single cell of his body tells him to flee, to run and not come back, yet his heart calls him back to talk to Bokuto, to be closer to him.

“I do have other matters to attend to, Bokuto-san,” he replies, not wishing to be disrespectful or rude. He grabs his bag, finally meeting Bokuto’s eyes – they are pleading, soft and curious. Akaashi wishes he hadn’t looked then, because he feels drawn into him again, which is dangerous. 

“Oh,” he murmurs, voice disappointed. Kenma approaches them at the same time, but Bokuto ignores him. “Then, can I have your number? I’ve missed you, Akaashi!”

He feels tempted; having Bokuto back into his life would definitely be a positive aspect. He does miss Bokuto as well, more than Bokuto can even imagine, but he does wonder if it is worth it. Having him back into his life would also mean having a relationship with Bokuto that will never make him satisfied enough. Akaashi is mature enough to admit to himself that, although he misses Bokuto as a friend, he’ll never be happy with just that; Akaashi is still as in love with him as he was ten years ago. He knows that being friends with him will only make him suffer even further, because he will never be able to hold him, kiss him, have him like he desperately craves.

It breaks his heart to have to do this. But he knows he has to, otherwise he will only get more heartbreak in the end. He’s broken enough to know he can’t handle much more than this, and he can proudly say he’ll let it go if it means not turning things to worse and not making Bokuto uncomfortable with his feelings.

“Perhaps not, Bokuto-san,” he says, voice low and guarded, “I’d like to keep this as professional as possible.”

He refuses to meet Bokuto’s eyes. Akaashi looks at Kenma to continue speaking, but he ends up seeing his expression from the corner of his eyes. It’s disappointed and hurt, and immediately his heart breaks even more. Akaashi feels desperate to run away, to get home, to find his sweater and cry alone in his room, knowing he’s letting go of Bokuto once more. 

_ I have to, I just have to. _

“My assistant will call you soon, Kozume-san. Thank you for hiring me.”

Akaashi bows and Kenma opens his mouth to speak, but Akaashi turns around and walks away. He knows it’s rude to do so, but he can’t bring himself to care – not when there are tears coming down his eyes, not when his heart is clenching so hard it feels like he’s having a heart attack. 

With the heaviest heart ever, Akaashi walks away, leaving Bokuto in his memories once again.

.

The blue sweater is, for once, not as comforting as it used to be.

Akaashi wears it, clenching on his hands, hoping for some of the good nostalgic feelings it would bring sometimes. But it doesn’t, because he’s reminded of his laugh, his smile, his voice and his heartbroken expression. It just brings him back to the Bokuto he saw hours ago over and over, but not in a comforting way, but a rather painful one. Akaashi cries, full wrecked sobs that leave his chest in waves, hoping that this heartbreak would be over soon.

Ten years is a long time to be in love with someone.

Especially with someone who doesn’t love you back.

.

Furuya gives him the weirdest look when he arrives in the office on Monday morning.

“Why do you look like shit?”

Akaashi walks past her, but she follows him. “Any messages for me?” he asks instead, not willing to preach the subject of his tired, dead face.

“A man named Bokuto––”

“No,” Akaashi immediately interrupts her. “I don’t want to hear a word about him.”

Furuya raises both of her eyebrows. “What?”

“You heard me,” he sits on his chair, opening his laptop. “Anything else?”

“Akaashi, what the hell?”

She looks at him with a slightly concerned expression. It’s guarded, though, and Akaashi doesn’t blame her. Within the time they have been working together, Akaashi has never been like this; tone clipped, straight to the point, not willing to hear his assistant. He’s usually polite, calm and patient. 

“Furuya,” he starts, voice gentler. “Please. Just...don’t ask me questions, okay? I don’t want to hear from the man named Bokuto Koutarou. If Kozume gets in touch with you again, tell him I’ll have the pictures ready in ten days and I won’t accept to photograph his wedding, no matter how much he’s willing to pay.”

She looks even more disturbed, but she doesn’t argue back. Hesitantly, she nods her head and gives Akaashi another worried look. “Okay. I won’t ask any questions. But if you need me, I am here, okay? I’m still your friend.”

_ We’re not friends _ , he wants to reply,  _ because if we’re friends, then I’ll get attached and if I do, then you’ll leave, too. _

“Of course,” he replies as she walks out of his office, closing the door behind her.

Akaashi sighs and opens his laptop, getting to work. He’ll give Kenma and Kuroo these pictures and walk out of their lives as well. He won’t get involved. It’s all for the best.

He starts working.

.

_ Why am I not enough, why am I never enough? _ , he wonders, late into the night, blue sweater in his hands. He wonders if maybe, in another universe, he had gotten lucky enough to have his feeling reciprocated, to have gotten together with Bokuto during high school, like Kenma and Kuroo. 

He feels powerless, useless, unimportant, feeling like his love for Bokuto wouldn’t ever be enough to make him stay, even if he had confessed back then. Maybe the universe didn’t want them together, if the suffering is any type of hint. Friendship is tempting, but then having him just like this is not enough for him. Akaashi knows running away is taking the coward’s way out, but then heartbreak just doesn’t sound so tempting anymore.

Akaashi is tired of hurting.

.

  
  


By the time Wednesday hits, Akaashi arrives at work and is met with a desperate Furuya. She immediately looks apologetic at him, like she has fucked up, and it makes Akaashi pause at the entrance when he notices that. Furuya has only had this reaction once, when she accidentally deleted pictures of a wedding from Akaashi’s laptop – which had been a hell of an episode, but, thankfully, it turned out to be alright, and they got the pictures back. Now, Akaashi wonders if she has done something similar or worse. Noticing his slightly pause, she gets up, eyes wide and sorry.

“I’m so sorry, Akaashi,” she says lowly, voice slightly desperate. “I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t be rude or anything!”

Akaashi looks at her, disturbed. “What are you talking about, Furuya?”

“Please, forgive me,” she replies as they reach the door of Akaashi’s office. She lowers her voice, too, and Akaashi realizes she allowed inside his office someone he probably told her not to. He thinks of his ex, of his parents and… “I only realized it was  _ him _ after he mentioned meeting you on Sunday!”

...and Bokuto.

“Furuya, I am firing you,” he says lowly, voice even and calm. She whimpers quietly just as he opens the door and glares at her, before walking in and shutting it behind him.

It’s his first mistake, not preparing himself enough to face Bokuto again.

“Bokuto-san,” he greets and Bokuto gets up, turning around to smile at him. Akaashi’s heart immediately skips a beat, but he ignores it and walks over his desk, sitting on his chair. Bokuto sits back down and opens his mouth to answer, but Akaashi is faster. “How can I help you?”

“You kinda ran away that day, Akaashi,” Bokuto starts, voice slightly hurt, but well masked between the lines. Akaashi wonders when did he get so good at hiding his true emotions; if he wasn’t excellent at reading feelings, he thinks he wouldn’t have noticed it. He doesn’t know this Bokuto at all, it hits him, and suddenly he’s even more heartbroken than before. “I just wanna get in touch again.”

Akaashi releases a soft sigh, opening his laptop to have something to look at, instead of Bokuto’s hopeful eyes and guarded expression. “I understand, Bokuto-san. But it has been ten years already.”

“So you keep saying,” he mumbles. “I don’t get why this is a problem.”

Although Bokuto might have changed, Akaashi knows the chances of Bokuto isn’t as stubborn as he used to be are basically minimal. He knows that once he sets his mind in achieving something, he won’t stop until he does; in the past, perhaps, he would get moody when things didn’t turn out alright, but then again, Akaashi doesn’t know this version of Bokuto. Yet, he has a feeling he won’t let this go unless Akaashi gives him a reason to do so. Although he’s not willing to break Bokuto’s heart, Akaashi is tired of being the only one hurting and suffering. He’s tired of receiving all the pain and letting other people have it better.

“I already let go, Bokuto-san,” he replies, voice guarded and quiet. “I’m not willing to reach out and reconnect anymore. I apologize.”

Bokuto looks at him with unreadable eyes. Akaashi breaks his gaze and looks at his computer, opening anything, so he can pretend he’s working. Bokuto just watches him, which makes Akaashi fidgets on his chair.

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Sighing, Bokuto gets up. With the same expression, he just says:

“You’re still a bad liar, Akaashi.”

Then, he walks away, closing the door behind him.

With a heavy sigh, Akaashi relaxes on his chair. Somehow, he feels like this isn’t over. If Bokuto’s reaction was any indication, he’s not going to give up anytime soon. He can already feel a bad headache starting on his temples, and he closes his eyes for a second, wishing this wasn’t happening. Things were easier when he didn’t have to deal with a real Bokuto, just the memories of him.

He doesn’t know what to do.

.

For an entire week, all that Akaashi can do is  _ angst _ .

Bokuto doesn’t look for him for another entire week, but Akaashi is still influenced by his last encounter just the same; the way Bokuto had looked at him, how he had seen right through Akaashi’s lie. He had hoped to have fooled him for a second there, but apparently he didn’t, and he wonders if he had changed at all or if he’s still the same person he was back in high school.

No, he knows he has changed. A lot, in fact. But regarding Bokuto, he doesn’t think he could change at all. Maybe Akaashi’s still weak when it comes to him, still a coward, still stupidly in love with him. Although Bokuto probably didn’t realize, Akaashi can’t fool him because it’s Bokuto who’s involved into this; how can he ever lie so easily to the person he holds dear the most, cares for the most. He doesn’t know how Bokuto hasn’t realized his true feeling yet, because he feels like he might too obvious sometimes. Maybe Bokuto is just blind, maybe Bokuto knows but pretends not to, so he can respect Akaashi’s feelings. Either way, Akaashi knows that Bokuto makes him become his teenager self all over again, insecure and craving, hoping to get Bokuto’s attention and have it all for himself.

So, for an entire week, Akaashi sleeps with the sweater every night.

It’s start to grow old, no matter how much Akaashi takes good care of it, no matter how desperately he tries to keep together since it’s one of the very few things he has left from his memories; it doesn’t really look ten years old, but it does look a little worn out. Akaashi tries not to wear it a lot, but Bokuto’s sudden appearance in his life makes it hard for him not to, and he finds himself reaching for it every night after Bokuto’s confrontation at his office. 

It should help him sleep better, but it doesn’t. He can’t shake off the feeling that it should be Bokuto there hugging him, instead of his stupid old sweater. Once again, Akaashi is brought back to his wishful thinking, and he desperately wishes that he wasn’t like that, that he wouldn’t hope so much for things that won’t ever happen.

If he cries almost every night for that entire week, it’s something only between them – Akaashi and the sweater.

.

A week later, on Thursday, Akaashi arrives at his office just to meet Bokuto right at the entrance. Sadly, he only notices him there when he’s about to reach the door, so he can’t really run away and pretend he hasn’t seen him. He winces when Bokuto approaches him, which is definitely the wrong move.

“You want to avoid me that badly, huh?”

Bokuto’s tone is slightly hurt, but with another emotion that he cannot identify well. It’s the moment where Akaashi is reminded that he and Bokuto are now strangers again, that he doesn’t know this person who is speaking to him anymore.  _ I used to know him so well, this is so weird for me to think of. _

“Bokuto-san, please,” he pleads, voice low as he stops right at the door. He looks at him with an even look, hoping he can mask all the emotions he needs to desperately hide from him. “I made my decision.”

“I don’t agree with it,” he answers calmly and gives Akaashi a soft smile, one that makes his heart jump inside his chest. “Give me one chance to talk, Akaashi.”

“Bokuto-san, please, you have to respect my decision.”

He already feels his walls crumbling and falling, but Akaashi tries to desperately save them. He wants to step away from Bokuto, to save himself, his feelings and his heart from being broken and destroyed once more. But Bokuto is enticing, his presence being so comforting to Akaashi that it makes him wonder why he still keeps the stupid sweater when the real Bokuto is much more comforting that that piece of clothing could ever be. He doesn’t want to give in, logically, but his heart begs him to do so.

“I want to, Akaashi,” Bokuto answers, truthfully. Akaashi sees no malice, no bad meaning behind those words, and he  _ hates _ it. Why can’t Bokuto be the bad guy for once? Why does it have to be  _ him _ ? “But then why does it feel like you’re lying to me?”

Akaashi has no good answer for that. “Bokuto-san…”

“Please, Akaashi,” he tries again. “One meeting. Dinner, lunch, brunch, you name it. We don’t even have to eat. Just give me one chance to try and reconnect with you again. That’s all I ask. And if you honestly don’t want to… I’ll respect you, I promise.”

Like he had suspected, Akaashi is still weak for Bokuto. Perhaps way too weak, he realizes, because Bokuto’s pleading, soft look makes him immediately want to give in more than run away. It feels suicidal, to want to try to reconnect with the person who broke his heart so many years ago, but then the heart wants what it wants. Right now, his heart craves Bokuto’s presence back into his life, and as much as Akaashi knows it will hurt, he realizes he has already reached the bottom, so might as well enjoy the ride. Deep down, he’s terrified, but his heart asks him not to care; a voice so loud, so obnoxious that it reminds him of Bokuto himself. Akaashi hears it, loud and clear, and suddenly, he’s giving in.

Reaching for his wallet, he gets his business card and a pen. Quietly, he writes his number on the back of the card and gives it to Bokuto.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to meet yet,” he starts slowly, thinking how much it would seem like a date and not actually be it, and when Bokuto eyes what Akaashi has written there, his eyes widen slightly. “You can text me for now, though. We’ll see how it goes.”

“Thank you, Akaashi,” he finally replies, turning to walk away. “For giving me your number and for being honest with me. You won’t regret it!”

Akaashi watches him leave, heart fluttering slightly. He’s scared, perhaps terrified, but he can’t stop his heart from beating fast, pumping blood, filled with hope.

.

As soon as it’s lunchtime, Akaashi receives the first text.

_ [11:32:56] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Akaashi!! _

_ Akaashi!! (๑￫ܫ￩) _ _   
_ _ How are you? How’s your day going? (≧∇≦*) _

Akaashi’s heart skips a beat.  _ Maybe he hasn’t changed that much _ , he thinks, eyeing the emoticons. He said he would try, so he must at least be polite and friendly.

_ [11:40:01] _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Akaashi!! _

_ Hello, Bokuto-san. Not much has happened yet today. I am doing fine, how about you? _

_ [11:42:10] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Re:Akaashi!! _

_ I’m good!! I don’t have any training until after lunch, so I’m chilling!! (ﾉ･ｪ･)ﾉ _

Akaashi sighs. Getting to know Bokuto again is either going to be his downfall or...never mind, it’s  _ definitely _ going to be his downfall.

He just knows it.

.

Slowly, through two entire weeks, Akaashi and Bokuto exchange text messages.

At first, Akaashi is unsure of how to act around Bokuto. Should he pretend they’re actually strangers and start over again? Should he pretend the ten-year gap apart never happened and move from there? He’s not sure, but Bokuto seems to handle it better than he does. Bokuto always brings a topic into their conversation, never truly letting it die, and he always has answers for everything Akaashi says, no matter how awkward and impolite it might sound like.

He just feels awkward, knowing he’s trying to reconnect with the person he has been pining for the past ten years, but Bokuto is trying, texting him non-stop and being interested in Akaashi’s life.

Bokuto tells him about how he’s a professional player, how his team is a good team, and they win a lot of games. He mentions names Akaashi hasn’t heard of since high school, people he lost touch with as soon as he had graduated. Bokuto talks about Kuroo and Kenma, their upcoming wedding and how they’re hoping Akaashi will change his mind about doing the job for them, since they loved the pictures Akaashi sent them – a topic Bokuto spends many texts talking about, how he is in love with Akaashi’s work, how much talent he has, and has always had, ever since high school. Akaashi’s heart burns with the idea of revealing to him how Bokuto was the reason he got involved into photography, but then by doing so, he would open his heart way too much to him, and he’s scared of doing that.

In exchange, Akaashi tells him a bit about his life. He tells Bokuto about his first job, how he fell in love with the idea of taking pictures of weddings, although he does all sorts of events, and how he doesn’t think he would change jobs even if he had the chance to. It’s a bit more than he had planned on saying, but Bokuto’s reaction to his words make it all worth it – he’s nothing but sweet, excited and happy to hear about Akaashi’s life. It makes Akaashi’s heart flutter, and suddenly he feels sixteen again, with an old camera and in love with his best friend.

By the time two weeks pass, Akaashi realizes there’s no one he would rather be in love with than Bokuto. 

Bokuto brings back into Akaashi’s life a light that he had been missing for so long now, a way of happiness that he had forgotten what it looked like. Even though it makes Akaashi’s heart clench inside his chest with fear, with sadness that he won’t get to have more than just this, Bokuto still warms his heart in a way nobody else does, slowly and thoroughly, leaving Akaashi completely at mercy to this love. He wants to regret doing this, he wants to regret giving Bokuto his number, but he truly can’t – Bokuto makes him actually happy through all the suffering, and Akaashi finds himself not wanting to ever let go again.

He feels like a masochist. Perhaps he’s being deceived.

For once, he doesn’t care.

(Or does he?)

.

_ [22:02:53] _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I’ve been thinking, Bokuto-san, and I think I am ready to meet and talk. _ _   
_ _ Would Friday night be good for you? You can choose the place. _

_ [22:04:01] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Yeah!! Friday is good!! (๑>ᴗ<๑) Can I text you the address on Friday? _ _   
_ _ I can’t wait for it!! 〔´∇｀〕 _

_ [22:09:12] _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Re:No Subject _

_ Of course. _ _   
_ _ I look forward to it as well. _

His heart flutters. 

.

“Why do you look so happy these days?” Furuya asks, suspiciously. Akaashi doesn’t look back at her, but he can feel the blush on his cheeks. “You’re blushing! It’s a man, isn’t it.”

Akaashi sighs. Furuya knows too much about his life and knows him too well by now. It gets harder and harder to deny anything about himself to her. “It’s nothing.”

“What do you mean it’s nothing? You’re  _ blushing! _ Tell me all about him, come on, spill.”

“Furuya…”

“Akaashi, come on! You haven’t looked this happy  _ ever _ for all the three years I’ve known you, since your old job even!”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” she huffs and sits on the chair in front of Akaashi. He leans on his desk, crossing his legs and staring at her with curious eyes. Does he really look that happy nowadays? “You always had this...sad aura around yourself. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just...it’s like something was missing in your life, you know? It seems like you either found it or is about to, though.”

Akaashi allows Furuya’s words to settle in. Bokuto has been the missing part of his life for so long now, it’s true, but he didn’t know that it had this much impact on how he is, actually. He’s aware that he might be happier around the person he loves, but he thought he was hiding it better than that. Apparently not.

“Huh,” he says, and looks down to his feet. “There is someone, actually.”

Furuya beams. “Are you together?”

Akaashi huffs a laugh, sad and bitter. “No, and I don’t think we’ll ever be, to be honest.”

“What? Why?”

Furuya’s sad tone makes Akaashi looks at her again. Furuya is beautiful, with soft and round black eyes, black silky hair and sculpted face. Although she might look average to many, Akaashi thinks she has a true, unique beauty. Maybe it’s her personality, maybe not. He thinks how many men’s heart she must have broken, considering he knows she’s unattached and free, choosing to live her life without any strings. He thinks of how many hearts Bokuto has broken, his included. 

“Has anyone really close to you ever fell in love with you, Furuya?”

She blinks at the question. “I don’t think so, why?”

“I’ve been in love with my best friend from high school since I was sixteen,” he starts, voice low and sad. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, to say it out loud now, considering it has been so many years. “We lost touch. Now, we’ve been talking again and… I’ve missed him. Very much so. But I’m still in love with him, and he doesn’t love me back.”

“Have you confessed?” she asks quietly, and Akaashi shakes his head.

“No,” he tells her truthfully. “And I won’t either. I know I don’t stand a chance, and it would ruin things between us.”

“It’s the man you’ve been avoiding, isn’t it?” 

Akaashi laughs quietly. “You’re too observing, Furuya.”

“It’s part of my job,” she jokes quietly. “He seemed enamored by you, Akaashi. Are you sure it isn’t mutual?”

“Yeah,” he mutters. “I would know if it was.”

“I doubt that,” she replies, getting up of her chair to pick the paperwork she needs to finish. “You’re quite blind when it comes to love sometimes, did you know?”

“Furuya, I’ve had lovers before…”

“Yet I remember clearly when you had misunderstandings with them because you’re insecure as hell,” she provides, a glint in her eyes. 

“I really should fire you someday.”

“You can try,” she shrugs. “You’d never find someone as efficient as me, let’s be real.”

“Or as confident, I guess.”

“Part of my charm, part of the job,” she says, while walking away. Akaashi smiles softly.

“You’re fired!” he yells at her, watching her walk down the hall.

“Nice try!” she yells back, just in time to disappear to another room.

Akaashi sighs, feeling drained from the conversation. Friday is only a day away, and he has to yet prepare himself mentally to face Bokuto during dinner. He felt safer inviting him to eat, so he can do something between awkward silences and weird topics. Perhaps he’s overthinking everything, perhaps he has no reason to worry. But he still does, because he’s Akaashi, and he’s still in love with Bokuto, who he is meeting tomorrow night.

Never in his life thirty-six hours have taken so long to pass by.

.

But Friday, in fact, comes. Sure, it feels like it takes forever inside Akaashi’s mind, but it does arrive and it arrives already making Akaashi’s life a living hell.

He wishes he could blame the universe. Perhaps it would have been easier if his day had gone wrong, if things had suddenly taken a wrong turn, if the world had decided to punish him right on the day he was supposed to take another step into reconnecting with the person he’s madly in love with. Yet, none of these things happen. He cannot blame anything or anyone for the nervous feeling on his gut, for the fluttering on his heart or for the clenching of his stomach. It’s all on him and his body, and Akaashi hates it.

By the time the evening arrives, Akaashi is ready to implode, considering how much he’s feeling at the moment.

In the end, Akaashi’s place of suggestion to meet was closed for the week, so Bokuto invites him to a random restaurant fifteen minutes away from Akaashi’s place. Of course, Bokuto doesn’t know it’s close to his apartment since Bokuto doesn’t know where he lives, but he’s thankful for the coincidence. If things go wrong, running away will be faster than he had expected. It’s a nice, sweet restaurant that seems nice enough for a friendly dinner, and this might be the point where Akaashi allows his rational part take over again.

The last weeks have been nice, between talking to Bokuto and meeting him again. But then, Akaashi starts wondering, why was Bokuto so insistent on having Akaashi back into his life? He’s not that special. He’s not that important. Akaashi is sure that if Bokuto wants to, he can find any amazing friend he needs out there, it doesn’t have to be plain old boring Akaashi. It doesn’t make any sense why he would want him back into his life insistently.

Then, suddenly, Akaashi feels stupid. Until just a few hours ago he had been willing to let Bokuto into his life again, ready to suffer all the things he suffered during high school, but in a worse way now. He forgot that now Bokuto is an adult and, at some point, he will want to get married, to start a family, to live a happy life. Akaashi wonders if Bokuto would ask him to photograph his wedding – which feels cruel, but only to Akaashi’s perspective, because why would Bokuto think it’s cruel? Maybe he doesn’t know. Or maybe he doesn’t care.

Does Bokuto even realize that Akaashi carries a torch for him?

Akaashi starts pacing inside his apartment. He’s already dressed up and it’s thirty minutes before the time they’re supposed to meet. Now, things took a different turn in his head and he feels like he can see more clearly – Akaashi can’t be friends with someone he has been pining for the past decade. It feels too much, to agree to be friends again with someone who has broken his heart without realizing so many times now. He hates having to do this again, but does he have a choice? He will be heartbroken in the end. He truly wants Bokuto to be happy, but it won’t be by his side, even because that’s not an option at all. Akaashi has to walk away. He has to be the strong one, the brave one now.

_ [19:30:16] _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Bokuto-san. _ _   
_ _ I can’t.  _

_ [19:31:50] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Akaashi? What’s going on?? _

_ [19:33:22] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Akaashi, please reply to me, what’s going on?? What happened?? _

_ [19:36:42] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Akaashi, if you don’t reply in five minutes, I’m calling you. _

_ 3 missed calls from Bokuto Koutarou _

_ [19:42:01] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Akaashi! What’s going on? Please, answer your phone!! _

Akaashi blocks his number, grabs his wallet and leaves.

.

He wanders through the park not too far from his place without any destination in mind. It had the purpose to clear off his mind from the whole mess he allowed himself to fall into, but it’s honestly making he feel worse. He feels guilty, leading Bokuto like that, but he also feels stupid, being led on by Bokuto like that. Although Bokuto had said he wanted to reconnect since the beginning, and it was implied he meant as friends, as they had once been, Akaashi had allowed himself to fall into this trap, to get sucked into Bokuto’s amazing presence and aura. He had meant to protect himself, his heart, from the inevitable heartbreak again, but how could he forget that Bokuto is a handsome man, straight and possibly wanting to have his own family in the future? Had Akaashi been hoping that they would be bachelors forever, keeping company to each other through the loneliness? He feels dumb, he feels played, and he feels shitty. 

With a heavy sigh, he sits on an empty bench at the park. It’s mostly empty, some people passing by as they leave their work to go home, some going out to enjoy the nightlife of Tokyo. Akaashi feels sort of numb now, after his initial panic has passed, and he only wishes to go home and grab his blue sweater to put it on.

_ That would only reinforce the impact that Bokuto has in my life _ .

Suddenly, he feels like crying. It’s just past eight pm, the time he was supposed to meet him, and he cannot shake the awful feelings of him, even though the numbness overpowers them. It’s overwhelming in a way, to be feeling so much at once, so many opposite feelings, and he can’t do anything about it but suffer. Sitting alone on this bench in the middle of the park, he feels insignificant and dumb, and once more he wonders, why him? Why would Bokuto fight for his friendship so much when Akaashi is not worth this much?

His phone starts vibrating again. Automatically, he fishes it and looks at the screen. It’s not Bokuto’s number, though – and really, it couldn’t be since he blocked him –, but it’s an unknown number. Being just eight pm, Akaashi is aware it could be a client, which he cannot ignore. Sighing and pulling himself together just long enough to take this call, he accepts it and holds the phone to his ear.

“This is Akaashi Keiji.”

“Akaashi, what the  _ fuck _ ,” the voice of the number breathes on the other side. Akaashi blinks in surprise, not recognizing the voice automatically. “What the fuck did you do?!”

“Who’s this?” he asks immediately, voice clipped and kind of annoyed. He’s not close enough to anyone to allow them to speak like this to him.

“It’s Kenma, you idiot,” Kenma replies, voice just as annoyed.  _ Fuck _ , he thinks to himself. Of course, he should have expected him or Kuroo to reach out after he simply blocked Bokuto out of his life. He should have blocked their numbers, too, but then he doesn’t even have them to begin with. Immediately, he remembers the situation he’s in and his heart drops again. He feels awful, and having Kenma call him like this makes him realize he might be a bigger asshole than he thought. “Why is Bokuto calling Kuro while panicking? Weren’t you two supposed to meet?”

He swallows dry. “Yeah, we were,” he replies quietly and there’s a beat of silence on the line. Akaashi feels stupid. He knows that he took the coward’s way out, but, truth be told, he knows he’s an actual coward. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Kenma asks, tone careful. 

Akaashi wonders for a second on how to answer him. They have cut ties, and he probably won’t see Kenma ever again, if he continues to run away – which he intends to. His heart feels heavy, his head is tired from the amount of emotions it has been processing lately. He won’t talk about this to his assistant, someone he sees almost daily, but telling someone like Kenma, who understands anxiety just as much as he does, but also someone he won’t be seeing ever again – especially after he blocks his number – makes him want to talk. To actually open up for once.

He can’t stop himself even if he wanted to.

“Kenma,” he chokes, holding his phone tightly. “Ten years is such a long time to be in love with someone.”

He hears Kenma’s sharp intake of breath, but no response. Then, he continues speaking.

“I cannot shake Bokuto-san out of my life. He’s the entire reason why I got into photography, after I decided registering our moments together so I would never forget him. From the beginning, I knew Bokuto-san was meant to become a star, to have a successful life, and I could never stand on his way. I know I am not meant to be by his side, of someone so amazing and brilliant like he is. Walking away from him had been hard, and I’ve been carrying him with me in my memory ever since. But now, he got back into my life and I allowed myself to get played and pulled into his stupid orbit. I can’t go through this again, Kenma. Heartbreak once was hard enough for me. What will I do when he decides he wants to get married to a beautiful woman and have children? Will I be able to face him and be happy for him? I  _ won’t _ , Kenma. Because I love him too much and I’m selfish enough to admit that as much as I want his happiness, I want to be the reason for it.”

Soon after he’s finished, he releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding in the first place. He blinks, tears in his eyes, and the anxiety that had settled inside his chest feels less tight now, like it’s easier to breathe. For once, he feels thankful that he opened up, but Kenma’s awkward silence on the other side of the line makes him kind of regret it. “God, I’m sorry for this ramble,” he murmurs after a beat, and he hears shuffling on the other side.

“No, it’s okay,” Kenma reassures him and pauses. “But am I the one who you should be apologizing to?”

Akaashi sighs. “I won’t.”

“Akaashi…”

“Kenma, considering all that I’ve just told you, do you really think I can face Bokuto-san just like that? I’ve done too much damage. I’m not ready to face the idea of heartbreak again, it’s exhausting. Honestly, I  _ am _ exhausted. I just can’t.”

“Listen,” Kenma starts, voice slightly soft. “I get it. You know I am anxious myself and sometimes it gets the best of me, but...talking to Kuro helps me. Especially if I’m anxious with something involving him.”

“That’s absolutely different,” he replies rather bitterly. “You and Kuroo-san have been together since high school.”

“It’s not that much different, Akaashi. Besides, even before we got together, Kuro has always been my rock because he’s my best friend and I trust him. Don’t you trust Bokuto? Or at least used to?”

Akaashi’s heart skips a beat. “That’s…”

“I know it’s a low blow. You  _ have  _ to talk to him, Akaashi. For fuck’s sake, call him.”

“I can’t, Kenma. I actually can’t.”

“Why are you running away so much? You’re hurt either way, so at least face it so you can have closure!”

“I can’t…”

“Akaashi, please.”

“Kenma, you don’t understand…”

“Do it for him, for yourself, fuck, do it for  _ me _ .”

“ _ You? _ ” he asks, barking a small, indignant laugh. “What does this have to do with anything?!”

“I wanted you as my wedding photographer, remember? And you not so kindly refused. Let’s say you owe me for not making my future husband happy.”

Akaashi blinks, the panic suddenly coming to a halt inside him. His focus is changed for a moment, and he almost laughs at the absurd situation he finds himself into right now. But then who Kenma think he is to actually think he could influence Akaashi like this? Especially when he doesn’t understand him?

“Kozume,” he replies in a rather clipped tone. “Don’t play the ‘guilty’ card with me. Don’t you think I don’t feel guilty enough for doing this with no explanation?”

“Akaashi, I fucking  _ beg _ you,” he says, voice a tiny desperate. “Bokuto was frantic on the call with Kuro. He thinks it’s his fault, that he did something to hurt or upset you. Talk to him,  _ please _ . You might find out you’re more wrong than you think. What else do you have to lose?”

_ Nothing,  _ he thinks bitterly,  _ nothing except maybe my sanity. _

“I swear to God, if things go wrong…”

“They won’t,” Kenma assures him, voice firm. “Call Bokuto. Meet him right now and fucking talk. If you two don’t figure your shit out, then  _ I _ will have to mingle and I honestly don’t want that. Call. Him.”

Kenma hangs up.

Akaashi spends a few good minutes staring at the ground. He has many reasons not to call Bokuto, he knows, but everything Kenma has said weights on his mind heavily, making him reconsider everything he has done so far. As much as he feels deceived, he realizes that still Bokuto deserves an explanation from him. Running away means protecting himself, but also hurting the person he cares about the most.

_ What’s the point of doing all of this if it means hurting him so much like that? _

Shakily, he opens his contact list and unblocks Bokuto’s number. Immediately, his phone is bombarded with text messages and phone calls that never reached his phone. He ignores everything, opening the message app and typing a simple text.

_ [20:24:36] _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ Can we talk? I’ll send you the address of my apartment.  _ _   
_ _ I’m sorry. _

_ [20:25:00] _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ __   
_ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ __ Subject: Re:No Subject

_ I’m on my way. _

.

He waits inside his apartment with a heavy head and an expectant heart. Choosing his apartment might not have been wise, he realizes, because he has nowhere to run to when things come to an end, but it’s also the only place where he feels safe enough to open up right now. Falling apart in front of Bokuto might be inevitable at this point, and he’s starting to find out that he can’t really run away from some things, just like he can’t run away from his destiny of having his heart broken by Bokuto.

_ I sound like a broken record, saying that all the time _ , he thinks, sadly just as he picks up the blue sweater Bokuto had forgotten in his childhood home so many years ago.

It probably doesn’t even fit him anymore, considering how much more built up Bokuto is now. Perks of being a professional volleyball player, Akaashi thinks, but refuses to dwell too much on this topic. Being in love also means remembering how attractive he thinks the other person is, and right now Akaashi is suffering enough to allow himself to think of this. Carefully, he folds the sweater, ready to give it back to him.

Tonight, if everything is going to end, which he is positive it will, then he might as well end this cycle as well. The best way of ending it is definitely giving back to Bokuto the thing that keeps tied to this love. Or one of them, at least.

He won’t quit his job or photography, but he thinks he might find another hobby, something else to focus on. Taking pictures of memories is something he’ll carry with himself forever, but as a medal instead of a burden, in honor of a love it went wrong, but had been worth it for the most part.

_ If I suffered so much, then it’s because it was honest, true and real. _

When his doorbell rings, his heart freezes. Taking a calming breath, he puts the sweater on his coffee table and walks to the door, opening it after a small pause. He doesn’t allow himself too much time, or he might run away again.  _ What else do you have to lose? _

Bokuto looks like he has been through hell and back.

His hair is a mess, his clothes are messy, his eyes are wild and searching. As soon as they land on Akaashi, his shoulders relax slightly and he breathes out a small  _ oh _ , just as he scans Akaashi, like he’s checking if he’s actually in front of him and fine.

“Come in, Bokuto-san,” he says as a greeting, stepping aside so Bokuto can walk in.

They both stand awkwardly at the door. Then, they both speak at once.

“Bokuto-san–”

“Akaashi–”

There’s a slightly awkward pause before they both breath in. Akaashi has never felt this nervous, knowing he’s about to confess to Bokuto. All the emotions he has hidden for the last decade are going to be let out, and he’s finally getting closure. It feels surreal, and he’s terrified, but he’s also eager to get it done with already.

“Akaashi, I was so worried,” Bokuto continues without waiting for Akaashi. Bokuto is looking at him, eyes confused, hurt but with a firm gaze. Akaashi has to look away for a second, trying to pull himself together. “I thought I had...Fuck, I’m so afraid of fucking this up. Akaashi, I can’t lose you again.”

“Bokuto-san, I’m truly sorry, I…” he trails off, throat tight. His entire body begs him to run away, but Akaashi is tired, so, so tired of just hiding cowardly. Before he can even properly think, though, Bokuto steps forward in his personal space, cupping his face with his right hand. Immediately, it takes Akaashi’s breath away.

Bokuto stares into his eyes, and he has never looked so sure, so confident.

“Akaashi, I was so goddamned worried because I love you. I’m terrified of losing you again, of losing my chance with you again.”

For a split of second, Akaashi’s mind goes into a blank. Everything stops making sense, all the panic, the anxiety that had been stuck inside him for so long suddenly vanishes from his mind. He doesn’t feel lighter, though, just confused and lost. Nothing adds up anymore. This was supposed to be his moment of confessing, of telling Bokuto his true feelings, but Bokuto is...he’s what?

“Akaashi,” Bokuto continues, now both hands cupping his face, standing so close to him. Akaashi is left staring at him, face open and confused, eyes hurt and somewhat hopeful. “I was never brave enough to confess in high school, and when we lost touch in college… I regretted it so much. Honestly, I wanted to reach out, to tell you everything, but after I lost my chance, I just assumed it was meant to be like this. Then, Kuroo found you.

“I hadn’t expected to ever meet you again. Even though you weren’t as friendly as I was expecting in the beginning, I was and still am set on not giving you up. Not without trying to win you over this time. I...Kenma and Kuroo have been so supportive, knowing I’ve been pining for you now for a decade, and Akaashi, I just… Do I even stand a chance? If I don’t, I’ll back off, but everyone thinks I do and I want to believe that I do, too, so… Akaashi, please. Do I stand a chance with you?”

Normally, Akaashi thinks that, first off, he would probably sit down, talk to Bokuto and talk everything out, especially about his feelings. He would walk him through his entire life, slowly and thoroughly, and eventually decide what step to take next. That’s how things would normally go. 

But, right now, Akaashi can’t even think. Every single word that comes out of Bokuto’s mouth makes something bloom inside his chest, something too close to hope, and warmth spread through all his limbs until it reaches his heart, where it stays and makes itself comfortable. It’s a feeling he hasn’t felt since he was young, since he was in high school, enamored by Bokuto and his presence, his personality. It all happens so fast, that by the time Bokuto stops speaking, Akaashi has already made a decision, based on a whim, one that he could or not regret it later.

Considering how amazing he feels right now, for once he truly, honestly, 100% actually does not bring himself to care at all.

Akaashi kisses him.

It’s not any movie’s kiss, with mouths meeting perfectly and soft sighs being released. He almost misses his mouth at first, being too eager, but then they meet halfway through it and their noses bump awkwardly, but Akaashi enjoys the way Bokuto’s left hand move to his waist while the other stays put, or how he finds out that Bokuto’s hair is soft when he grabs the back of his head with both hands. Perhaps it’s not the most amazing kiss, considering they just lock lips and hold each other for a few seconds, but then Akaashi hasn’t kissed anyone that he has loved as much as he loves Bokuto. It has never been this filled with unspoken emotions, with pure and raw feelings.

When they break apart, Akaashi’s vision is blurred with tears and he has the softest smile on his face.

“Ten years is such a long time to be in love with someone, Bokuto-san…”

Bokuto looks at him like Akaashi is the whole world, and he thinks it’s fitting, considering how long he has been orbiting around Bokuto’s orbit. If Akaashi is a planet, Bokuto’s world, then Bokuto is the entire sun, so bright, guiding and strongly appealing. He has fallen into his orbit long ago, and now he doesn’t need a reason to let go anymore, because he finally has the reason he needs to stay, to allow himself to be pulled in. He wants the supernova, he wants to smash in his sun and explode with the feelings he hides inside himself. Akaashi wants it all.

“...especially when it has been mutual all along.”

The smile Akaashi gets back is as bright as ever. For Akaashi, it feels like the sky has open up and he’s finally,  _ finally _ getting the warmth back into his life, with Bokuto being his sun, what shines so brightly in his life.

“Good,” Bokuto whispers before he dives in again, kissing Akaashi fully on the lips. “Then it was worth it.”

This time, Akaashi does not run away.

.

“You kept this for all these years?” Bokuto asks him, voice quiet and in awe. He holds his old blue sweater in his hands, looking at it with soft eyes, curious and surprised. “Really?”

Akaashi nods, feeling shy. They’re sitting on the couch, after a long talk that seems to be endless – considering they did make some sort of break when Akaashi mentioned the sweater –, but a necessary thing to do, something that they won’t run away from. It has been quite rewarding for Akaashi in the end, to finally open up and to the person he has been carrying the heaviest torch since forever. 

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “It has been my comfort for all these years. Having a part of me with you.”

Bokuto leans in and kisses his cheek softly, a gentle smile on his face.

“Here,” he says while pulling away and taking away his jacket. He hands it to Akaashi, who takes it rather confusingly. “Now you have my jacket. Soon, I’ll share my pajamas. Maybe some shorts, and I hope lots of shirts. One day, if you want, you’ll have my entire wardrobe. You can have all my clothes if you want, because you have all of me.”

Akaashi blinks, eyes watering again. “Bokuto-san…”

“Call me by my first name, Keiji.”

“Koutarou.”

“Yeah?”

“I want to share all my clothes with you, too.”

Bokuto cups his face, gaze kind and sweet. “Sounds like a promise.”

Akaashi softly allows his lips to curve upward. “So then it is.”

They lean in, foreheads touching while gazing into each other’s eyes. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

.

The blue sweater is, eventually, given official retirement due to stronger circumstances. Akaashi doesn’t need it anymore, not when Bokuto is more than willing to hand him as many clothes as he wants, and to cuddle with him on the nights he feels his lowest. In the end, Akaashi doesn’t even miss it, even though it had been a comforting presence for so many years, the reason why this love managed to endure so strongly, keeping it so well conserved for as long as he could. Akaashi is nothing but stubborn, just like Bokuto, and he hadn’t been willing to let go of his love back then. He’s glad now that he hadn’t in the past.

He doesn’t need the blue sweater anymore.

Not when they share clothes daily. Not when the real Bokuto is there to comfort him instead.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Nation for the big help on this fic!  
> Thank you so much for reading it <3
> 
> (find me on twitter @owlhashira)


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